By Dr. Henry Cloud
Editor’s Note: This is Part 2 of a two-part series. To read Part 1 first, go here.
Numerous problems arise when we fail to set good boundaries and maintain them. If we do not realize what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for, we can suffer from the following symptoms.
Under-Responsibility
People who feel over-responsible for others often neglect their own backyard. They do not carry their own load (Galatians 6:5), for they are too busy carrying the load of others. In this typical codependent behavior, people feel so responsible for others that they do not deal with their own pain and life.
Feelings of Obligation
Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 9:7 that people have these feelings when they are not choosing what they will give and what they will not give. They feel compelled to give to others; they are not free and in control of themselves.
Feelings of Being Let Down
Since many are so good at taking care of others, they feel that others are obligated to take care of them. They feel let down when this doesn’t happen. They perceive others to be unloving and uncaring if they aren’t taking responsibility for them. They feel like they are the “givers” and others are “takers.”
Isolation
People who experience boundary confusion, distorted thinking, and a lack of freedom often avoid relationship in order to feel a sense of boundaries. For them, getting close means losing their boundaries and ownership of themselves. It is so frightening and potentially conflictual that they eliminate relationship as an option and choose a world of isolation. Being alone means they won’t be invaded or controlled.
Extreme Dependency
People who have never gotten a feeling of owning their own lives believe they can’t function responsibly on their own. They will often depend upon someone else to negotiate the world for them, and they tend to fuse their identity with this negotiator. They are very fearful of separateness.
Disorganization and Lack of Direction
People who do not have a clear definition of themselves often lack direction and purpose. They cannot choose their own goals, likes, and dislikes. They get easily sidetracked by whatever anyone says to them, so they are scattered.
Substance Abuse and Eating Disorders
Many people who feel out of control of their lives turn to food, drugs, or alcohol to either dull their pain or to be able to take some control over something. This is especially true with people suffering from anorexia or bulimia. Boundaries are almost always an important issue in these disorders.
More often than not, boundaries are a strong issue in the resolution of addictions. Usually, when boundary conflicts are cleared up, when people with food or substance addictions begin to have a clearer sense of their own person, they begin to exercise self-control. Bulimics especially need to resolve issues of separateness. The ambivalence expressed in food is often resolved as the ambivalence of relationship is cleared up through boundary definition. They no longer express the “I want it, I don’t want it” feeling by bingeing and purging.
Procrastination
Procrastination, or putting off unpleasant tasks until some future time, often results from a lack of clear boundaries. Procrastinators do not feel like they are really choosing; their no is not a real no. They say yes when they mean no; then they express their no through not following through. It is a distorted sense of control.
This is the dynamic that was operating in the parable of the two sons (Matthew 21:28–31). The procrastinating son was not honest about his no. Recall that he said yes to working in his father’s vineyard, and then he never went. The other son first said no to his father, then changed his mind and went to work. This son could be honest about his no, so he could be honest about his yes also.
Impulsivity
Impulsive people invariably have a boundary problem. They lack internal structure. Whatever they think, they do; they have a limited ability to say no to themselves. As they clear up their boundaries and learn enough self-control to say “no,” they begin to gain control of their impulses.
Generalized Anxiety
Some people struggle with a vague tension and anxiety that is sometimes related to lack of boundaries. Their internal lack of structure makes them unable to process and contain all the feelings they have, as well as to handle all the external demands. While these people often can’t point toward one particular conflict or problem, they still feel anxious. Instead of working on a particular “issue,” these people sometimes need to firm up their sense of who they are by creating stronger boundaries. This gives them a greater sense of self-control, a greater ability to process feelings, and, as a result, less anxiety.
Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior
Obsessive people are preoccupied with often unreasonable ideas or feelings; compulsive people have irresistible impulses to perform irrational acts. Obsessive-compulsive people struggle with both persistent preoccupations and irresistible impulses. For example, a man who feels compelled to wash his hands every hour would be displaying obsessive-compulsive behavior. This man is obsessed with the idea of catching a cold and feels compelled to wash his hands to prevent it.
Boundary setting is aggressive or bold behavior. People who can’t set clear boundaries can turn this aggression against themselves in the form of painful obsessions or compulsions they must perform to be safe. People can often resolve these painful realities by strengthening their ability to set and keep boundaries. Setting boundaries helps provide the internal structure that can say no to both attacking thoughts and compulsions. They give them back the self-control that the compulsions were trying to provide.
By their very nature, compulsions indicate a lack of freedom. Developing boundaries and the ability to say no to others creates the freedom needed to work through compulsive problems.
Adapted from Becoming an Adult: Advice on Taking Control & Living a Happy, Meaningful Life by Dr. Henry Cloud. Click here to learn more about this book.
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